Uncertain, certain future
December 13, 2023
tags: inspiration study_abroad japan
It’s currently 8:09AM as I write this, sitting in the computer science labs at my uni and waiting for my exam. Instead of studying or last minute reviewing, I’m doing this instead. Studying is something I really suck at starting. The studying part itself isn’t an issue, I tend to get along just fine; my issue with studying for things is that task switching to self learning is often so taxing that I try to avoid it. This is all a very roundabout way of saying that I procrastinate when it comes to studying.
My solution to this is simple though: I just pay attention in class and force myself to keep up with the content. It sounds like a very non-answer when I say it, but that is basically what I do. It’s far easier for me personally to force myself to show up and sit in class, most likely due to the social/financial commitment, and since I’m not the one enforcing the task switching it’s basically (task switch) tax free real estate. Once things get going, I’m off to the races as well. I’ll ask questions, I’ll follow along, I’ll take detailed notes on the subject right down to the last letter, but throw me in my room with anything else to do, and I crumble like sand.
I’ve decided on studying abroad in Japan for Spring 2025, but I haven’t taken any action yet to make that a reality. Applications don’t open up until next January or so, hence there isn’t actually much in the way of things to do to make it happen, but nonetheless I should be preparing somehow. I worry that my GPA or other things might hold me back, and I don’t know if I’ll even be able to go, but I’ve told myself that this is a certain thing, despite the air of uncertainty surrounding it.
I tend not to fall into the self help mythology, “positive affirmations”, “playing the game”, or whatever weird lobster shit ripoff kermit the frog is on, but I do think there is some power in the act of deciding on trying to achieve something you want with absolute certainty, even when whether or not you can achieve it. Obviously you will not magically manifest your desired reality just by wishing hard enough, but what you do gain is a level of confidence in the actions you take towards that goal, and a constant drive to keep at it in spite of it possibly sucking in the moment. That’s something I’ve sorely lacked in years past in my life, a side effect of ADHD for sure, but I also think my mindset in years past never would have allowed me to critically examine myself to the degree that I can and do now, or most importantly, to allow myself to place so much faith in myself and in something so uncertain.
I will do well on my exam today.
I will study and do well on my math exam next Monday.
I will keep studying Japanese every day.
I will study abroad in Japan the spring after next.
I will graduate from university.
I will do good, and I will thrive.